Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Friday, February 27, 2009
Brodie-bait Laid Bare
The Cupcakes of Catan
[via Ferris' Daily Chum]
How do you make the Klaus Teuber’s maddeningly fun boardgame Settlers of Catan even more enjoyable? Play it with cupcakes!
[via Ferris' Daily Chum]
How do you make the Klaus Teuber’s maddeningly fun boardgame Settlers of Catan even more enjoyable? Play it with cupcakes!
"What is Cupcakes of Catan?" you ask.Apparently a non-winning entry in the Catan Food Contest.
Well, my friend, Cupcakes of Catan is a a totally edible, fully functioning, utterly playable, all vegan, mostly organic, completely cupcake version of the original boardgame, Settlers of Catan. If you’ve never seen or played Settlers of Catan, this whole operation may seem mystifying. In fact, even if you have played Settlers you may be confused by this all-cupcake version of the game. Why would anyone create such a thing? Let me tell you:
One: Cupcakes are fun.
Two: Settlers of Catan is fun.
Three: CupcakesxSettlers of Catan=more fun.
CLAWING BACK INTO RELEVANCE
So this dude here made this chart here, which gets a surprising number of the ranking right, and also a surprising number wrong:
And here's my mod:
And notes:
I will say in advance that I'm not ranking these movies relative to other movies or other trilogies, but merely to the other movies in it's own arc. ie, I'm not saying that The Choad Warrior is as good a movie as Empire Strikes Back, but that they are each that much better than their corresponding prequels and sequels. Also, I've noodged up the level of petulence and defensiveness in my explanations, just for whatevs.
STAR WARS
A contentious topic to say the least. I hold to the hardcore fanboy position that Empire Is Best. The hardcore fanboy position opposes the sniffling false-purist position ("A New Hope is best"). In this case, the sniffling false-purists are sentimental, pretentious dickweeds, and usually in indy rock bands.
INDIANA JONES
With Indy, the hardcore fanboy position and the sniffling false-purist position are nearly congruent. The original is best, and "that first step is a loo-loo." Temple gave us "mon-kee blains!" Crusade gave us similarly fucked moments of high camp, or low camp, or an even worse zone in between the two. John Rhys Davies: "he's in the belly of that metal beast." Fuck you.
THE MATRIX
When the second two Matrix movies came out we realized that whatever choices that the Waichowskis made in the first movie which appeared to be judicious and brilliant, were actually just the result of external constraints. Those constraints removed, they were free to cock-up the second two movies. Totally overlong & tedious fight scenes. Totally overlong & tedious philosophical dope smoking. Not without their moments, but top-heavy from the weight of their own gratuitous bullshit. The third Matrix movie introduces the Spence Rule, which contends that the Presence of Bruce Spence imperceptibly makes the third installment of a trilogy somehow better than it's predecessor/s. The second Matrix movie sucked giant donkey scrotums. Said it. Had to.
STAR TREK
Mumps might order a hit on me for saying this, but I don't remember much of anything about the first three Star Trek movies, not having seen anything of them (save for isolated scenes from Khan) since high school.
SUPERMAN
First installments generally benefit greatly from the thrill of seeing whatever-it-is on screen for the first time. In this case, it's actually seeing a super-hero being awesome, which is a pretty big deal, even though Hackman's Luthor was about as cerebral and non-threatening as a "villain" could possibly be. Lex Luthor was just a misunderstood middle-manager from another department that you had a disagreement with (back when you worked in Hackensack). The entire franchise (and all comic book movies that followed) owe an eternal debt to John Williams, and yet I ranked the second movie higher. Why? It's simple: "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD."
JURASSIC PARK
The sniffling false-purist says that the Jurassic Park movies are diminished because "the characters are two dimensional" and the plot has "big holes in it." It's how the Universe gently lets you know you are talking to a giant, weeping, asshole of a pustule. The reason you go to see a Jurassic Park movie is to see Dinosaurs Eat Lawyers, or Each Other. That's why the third one is best, and so forth. Fuck you!
MAD MAX
Mad Max is a boring movie. I never saw the third one. Are you going to tell me it's somehow culturally necessary to being an American in 2009? We don't need another heee-ro. Exactly.
JAWS
I like Roy Scheider. I don't remember a damn thing about the second two Jaws movies, and am pretty sure I didn't even see the third one. But I know that's when "it got personal." Fuck you.
BACK TO THE FUTRE
I have to say that the second two movies are serviceable, from my recollection. I defer to Shawn.
DIE HARD
I think you could niggle with me about the comparative ranking of two and three, but that's about it.
BLADE
Blade was a pretty fucking awesome comic adaptation, in terms of bringing comic book flavor to film. (not that anyone actually read "Blade" the comic) The second Blade movie was a gorgeous empty POS in which we all realized that Guilermo del Toro has a huge gay crush on Ron Perlman, which is a good thing because it made Hellboy possible. I didn't see the third one. Or did I? Exactly.
APES
Hunh? I vaguely remember Tom Wopat and/or John Andersen being in the sequels.
GODFATHER
You know what? I never read Milton's Paradise Lost either. Fuck you!
ROCKY
Rocky is a pretty awesome movie. Clubber Lang is a pretty awesome villain. It's basically an ungentle stepping-down process from the first one to the last. (Has it really ended?)
TERMINATOR
I have to say that Arnold's commentary track on the third one contributes very much the "high" rating it received. And Claire Danes. Oh, Clare. What!? She's special, fuck you.
RAMBO
I bothered to type the word "Rambo." Snooker me thrice...
BATMAN
Burton's Batman makes for an awesome stylish movie, and a HORRIBLE Batman movie. After it spit out Keaton (a more or less destroyed man, in much the same way that Waterworld irreparably damaged Kostner, except that Keaton was unable to reinvent himself the way Kostner has), Batman began a sequence of serially devouring everyone with the hubris and status to attempt the role. Slate's Stephen Metcalph says that the character of the Batman is a vortex that engulfs & transforms otherwise charismatic leading men into a inert hunks of carbon fiber/titanium weave. Weren't there five movies in series? Schumacher, nipples, dance numbers, bla bla bla.
ALIEN
The only real debate here is how much lower parts 1 and 3 are than part 2. Alien was a boring movie. I know, I know. Fuck you. "He Knows You're Alone" with special effects. Yeah yeah, Sigourny in briefs. Fuck you. Aliens 2: AWESOME KONG. I liked Aliens 3. It worked for me, dog. You say, "sepia is not an aesthetic standard." I say, "english convicts make it so." Fincher roolz. Fuck you.
And here's my mod:
And notes:I will say in advance that I'm not ranking these movies relative to other movies or other trilogies, but merely to the other movies in it's own arc. ie, I'm not saying that The Choad Warrior is as good a movie as Empire Strikes Back, but that they are each that much better than their corresponding prequels and sequels. Also, I've noodged up the level of petulence and defensiveness in my explanations, just for whatevs.
STAR WARS
A contentious topic to say the least. I hold to the hardcore fanboy position that Empire Is Best. The hardcore fanboy position opposes the sniffling false-purist position ("A New Hope is best"). In this case, the sniffling false-purists are sentimental, pretentious dickweeds, and usually in indy rock bands.
INDIANA JONES
With Indy, the hardcore fanboy position and the sniffling false-purist position are nearly congruent. The original is best, and "that first step is a loo-loo." Temple gave us "mon-kee blains!" Crusade gave us similarly fucked moments of high camp, or low camp, or an even worse zone in between the two. John Rhys Davies: "he's in the belly of that metal beast." Fuck you.
THE MATRIX
When the second two Matrix movies came out we realized that whatever choices that the Waichowskis made in the first movie which appeared to be judicious and brilliant, were actually just the result of external constraints. Those constraints removed, they were free to cock-up the second two movies. Totally overlong & tedious fight scenes. Totally overlong & tedious philosophical dope smoking. Not without their moments, but top-heavy from the weight of their own gratuitous bullshit. The third Matrix movie introduces the Spence Rule, which contends that the Presence of Bruce Spence imperceptibly makes the third installment of a trilogy somehow better than it's predecessor/s. The second Matrix movie sucked giant donkey scrotums. Said it. Had to.
STAR TREK
Mumps might order a hit on me for saying this, but I don't remember much of anything about the first three Star Trek movies, not having seen anything of them (save for isolated scenes from Khan) since high school.
SUPERMAN
First installments generally benefit greatly from the thrill of seeing whatever-it-is on screen for the first time. In this case, it's actually seeing a super-hero being awesome, which is a pretty big deal, even though Hackman's Luthor was about as cerebral and non-threatening as a "villain" could possibly be. Lex Luthor was just a misunderstood middle-manager from another department that you had a disagreement with (back when you worked in Hackensack). The entire franchise (and all comic book movies that followed) owe an eternal debt to John Williams, and yet I ranked the second movie higher. Why? It's simple: "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD."
JURASSIC PARK
The sniffling false-purist says that the Jurassic Park movies are diminished because "the characters are two dimensional" and the plot has "big holes in it." It's how the Universe gently lets you know you are talking to a giant, weeping, asshole of a pustule. The reason you go to see a Jurassic Park movie is to see Dinosaurs Eat Lawyers, or Each Other. That's why the third one is best, and so forth. Fuck you!
MAD MAX
Mad Max is a boring movie. I never saw the third one. Are you going to tell me it's somehow culturally necessary to being an American in 2009? We don't need another heee-ro. Exactly.
JAWS
I like Roy Scheider. I don't remember a damn thing about the second two Jaws movies, and am pretty sure I didn't even see the third one. But I know that's when "it got personal." Fuck you.
BACK TO THE FUTRE
I have to say that the second two movies are serviceable, from my recollection. I defer to Shawn.
DIE HARD
I think you could niggle with me about the comparative ranking of two and three, but that's about it.
BLADE
Blade was a pretty fucking awesome comic adaptation, in terms of bringing comic book flavor to film. (not that anyone actually read "Blade" the comic) The second Blade movie was a gorgeous empty POS in which we all realized that Guilermo del Toro has a huge gay crush on Ron Perlman, which is a good thing because it made Hellboy possible. I didn't see the third one. Or did I? Exactly.
APES
Hunh? I vaguely remember Tom Wopat and/or John Andersen being in the sequels.
GODFATHER
You know what? I never read Milton's Paradise Lost either. Fuck you!
ROCKY
Rocky is a pretty awesome movie. Clubber Lang is a pretty awesome villain. It's basically an ungentle stepping-down process from the first one to the last. (Has it really ended?)
TERMINATOR
I have to say that Arnold's commentary track on the third one contributes very much the "high" rating it received. And Claire Danes. Oh, Clare. What!? She's special, fuck you.
RAMBO
I bothered to type the word "Rambo." Snooker me thrice...
BATMAN
Burton's Batman makes for an awesome stylish movie, and a HORRIBLE Batman movie. After it spit out Keaton (a more or less destroyed man, in much the same way that Waterworld irreparably damaged Kostner, except that Keaton was unable to reinvent himself the way Kostner has), Batman began a sequence of serially devouring everyone with the hubris and status to attempt the role. Slate's Stephen Metcalph says that the character of the Batman is a vortex that engulfs & transforms otherwise charismatic leading men into a inert hunks of carbon fiber/titanium weave. Weren't there five movies in series? Schumacher, nipples, dance numbers, bla bla bla.
ALIEN
The only real debate here is how much lower parts 1 and 3 are than part 2. Alien was a boring movie. I know, I know. Fuck you. "He Knows You're Alone" with special effects. Yeah yeah, Sigourny in briefs. Fuck you. Aliens 2: AWESOME KONG. I liked Aliens 3. It worked for me, dog. You say, "sepia is not an aesthetic standard." I say, "english convicts make it so." Fincher roolz. Fuck you.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Robot Roll Call
Even though the 360 arrived today, I am almost certainly out this week. We've been grinding on a tight print deadline which has had me working late last week & this, which is hard for The Mother of My Childe. Alas! The limitations of this format do not make it possible for Mumpsimus to make his "cracking whip" sounds, so I will create a space for that here:
____________ (Mumspimus cracking whip sounds)
Enjoy your time without me, because NEXT week I shall return with a vengeance! I will be more backer and blacker than any crap movie sequel ever was. If I can remember how to use the controller at all.
____________ (Mumspimus cracking whip sounds)
Enjoy your time without me, because NEXT week I shall return with a vengeance! I will be more backer and blacker than any crap movie sequel ever was. If I can remember how to use the controller at all.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
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